Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.