If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
White parent Vs Arab parents
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)