Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way