You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
haha same
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I would like even faster food.