My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Liquor Store Parking
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
A leaf blower, but for people.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!