Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.