Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.