Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
haha same
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath