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i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
That’s enough internet for the day
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water