Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.