I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.