Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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accurate
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m awake but I object,
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I will never stop laughing at this
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best