I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money