[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*Inspirational Tweets*
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.