My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…