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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.