Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
You Might Also Like
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away