So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
dads on road-trips be like
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.