A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
For the baby who has everything
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.