Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
live long and prosper!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*