When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life