I want what they have
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Tough love is true love
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
yeet
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews