[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides