a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I laughed at this way too hard.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My dating profile:
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*