I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You Might Also Like
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle