me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
You Might Also Like
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Investing in beetcoin
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*