Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.