WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty