Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
good work, detective
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
guys I’m going home
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
God has left this place
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.