If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
You Might Also Like
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
This made me smile…
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
They’re on their honeymoon
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there