Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.