[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.