Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.