My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
This is sending me to another galaxy
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here