Nothing.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too