I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
You Might Also Like
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.