After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.