Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
me logging onto twitter
notice
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.