Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*