“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
You Might Also Like
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑