processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Cake safety first. Always.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!