Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*