Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..