frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
You Might Also Like
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Doctors texting each other.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Tremendous stuff