After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My patience has stretch marks.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him