Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You Might Also Like
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous