If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.