Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.