Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*