I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets